This year, I assigned myself a task to write an article every day, but of course, I failed, which was within my expectations. No matter what excuses or reasons I use to deceive myself, the fact remains that I did not complete this task. When I see Cai Tou updating consistently year after year, I reflect on myself and wonder why I can't do the same. After careful consideration, there are several reasons.
One reason is definitely self-discipline. Weak self-discipline prevents me from consistently writing every day, and I even come up with various excuses in my mind to deceive myself into not writing for valid reasons. I have not confronted my own inertia and used self-discipline to restrain myself, allowing my thoughts to remain idle.
The second point is that I overthink. I always think too much and end up not knowing where to start. My thoughts are scattered and I don't grasp anything. Before writing, I would think about whether my writing is logical, which is a useless thought. I'm afraid of not writing well, so I hesitate to start, and I'm afraid that what I write will be terrible, so I simply don't write, finding solace in this psychological state.
Another important point is that I lack inspiration. In the early years when Cai Tou was still active on Weibo, he once collected personal articles for review, and there was one comment from Cai Tou that I remember vividly - "Read more books. You're trying to climb a hill without oil, revving the engine like asthma." Every time I write an article, I think of this comment, which makes me feel ashamed.
I haven't read a book in nearly seven years, not textbooks, but additional reading. I used to read books quickly and have a good memory, but now I find it difficult to focus on reading. Keeping the brain in a closed state for a long time triggers a defense mode against external knowledge, like rusty parts that won't function properly if used again. When I'm thinking, I can even hear the mechanical sound of my brain turning, shouting at me.
It's alarming when someone who used to love reading as a child can no longer enjoy it as an adult. What's even more alarming is that while I condemn myself, I also allow myself to continue down this path, which is the most foolish approach. I constantly put myself on the gallows, unable to relax mentally, but also unable to fully concentrate.
So I'm trying to read again, practicing Sudoku. It used to take me over 30 minutes to complete one Sudoku puzzle, but now I can finish one in 5 or 6 minutes. I immerse myself in books, becoming a character in them, and try to see things from a different perspective. Some books are still easy to read, like "The Courage to Be Disliked," which I finished in a little over two hours. But there are books that I just can't get into, and when that happens, I switch to another book that I can get into. The speed of reading is not important; what matters is understanding the book, otherwise, it's like eating without savoring the flavor of the book itself.
Lately, I've been feeling restless. Since the onset of depressive emotions last time, I have been in a highly tense state. What should I do? I always ask myself this question, but I have no answer. I am extremely resistant to psychiatric medication, preferring to endure the pain in my emotions rather than taking medication. Temporary numbness does not bring me comfort; I have to rely on myself to get through it.
It will get better, everything will get better, but the premise is that I have to take action.